, Kingston, NH

Tongue in Cheek

March 5, 2008

March 4, 2008: Becoming a professional humor columnist 101

Many of you are asking yourself, “How in the wide world of pigeon poop did this moron get hired to write a humor column? He has the IQ of moss, only slightly soggier.” My answer is simple: you’re jealous, because you’d love to have a job which allowed you to lounge around the house ALL day long, clad only in your underwear and pink bunny slippers, eating entire bags of potato chips and then licking the insides, and get paid for writing dumb humor columns. But if you’re willing to admit it, and if you’d like to learn how to drone on and on about absolutely nothing and GET paid for it, then today’s your lucky day.

And if you pay strict attention in no time at all you’ll obtain the skills which will allow you, like it does me, the opportunity to make significant contributions to society in the form of 5 out of 3 columns talking about poop, which might not seem vitally important to you at this time, but when someone in your family steps in a pile of poop, like your bratty daughter, you’ll know what to do. Because

bratty daughters hate it when you kiss them right in front of their current gothic boyfriend, who dresses in so much dark clothing he makes Johnny Cash look like the Good Humor Man. And so your bratty kid leaps from the car, slams the door behind her removing several rivets, and begins

violently stomping around the front yard like a kangaroo with a hotfoot, and eventually she steps directly in poodle poop. And while she hopping on one leg, you’re trying

desperately, with the help of the garden hose, to wash the poop off of her five-thousand dollar Stiletto heels WITHOUT damaging them, but she does not appreciate anything you do for her, because YOU did NOT purchase HER the

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