If you didn’t already have a good reason to dislike radical Muslim terrorists, here’s one: CARPOOLS! Terrorists are directly responsible for skyrocketing gas prices, and they are doing it mainly to pester me, because I keep making fun of them in my columns. Sadly, pricy prices at the pump are forcing people to share rides with people they do not necessarily want to be on the same planet with never mind being trapped in the confines of a claustrophobic car with them.
Carpools can be a problem, mainly because I’m NOT a good passenger. And this is due to the fact that I am the world’s greatest driver. And as the world’s greatest driver, I don’t take kindly to being driven around by someone who is NOT the world’s greatest driver, because if you are not the world’s greatest driver then you DON’T know the written and unwritten rules of the road like I do (e.g. when you are driving in the 3rd lane of a highway, DO NOT clog up traffic by driving at speeds normally only achievable by a wicker chair on tranquilizers.)
But let’s not talk about slow moving patio furniture. Let’s talk about terrorists and escalating gas prices. I know what you are thinking: you’re thinking “Bill, terrorists are not responsible for high gas prices. The climbing cost of crude oil is a direct result of a weak US dollar; demand in immerging markets like China and India, and not enough oil being pumped out of the Saudi oilfields.”
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Listen, soaring gas prices are cause by terrorists who are sitting in a cave plotting to get back at me for verbally slapping them around.
EXAMPLE
“Mohammad?”
“Yes, Mohammad?”
“I’ve been reading Bill Drury’s humor column for two years now, and I have come to the conclusion that he is a complete infidel. And I am sick and tired of him poking fun at us hard-working terrorists. He’s bruising our feelings.”
“Yes, Mohammad. I am in agreement with your infidel conclusion, Mohammad.”
“Let’s aggravate Drury by artificially inflating oil prices. We’ll sneak around the USA and fiddle with the gas price mechanisms on every pump. This way Drury will be forced to carpool. And Allah knows that DRURY is NOT a good passenger.”
“Oh, Mohammad, you really crack me up. But before we aggravate Drury, let’s check with our ringleader “Mohammad,” his son “Mohammad,” his grandson “Mohammad,” and his grandson’s pet camel, “Mohammad” and see what they think, especially the camel.”
But let’s not talk about terrorists. Let’s talk about crummy carpooling. But to be fair, carpooling does have its advantages: you can save on gas, and reduce wear and tear on your vehicle. But sometimes saving a little cash isn’t worth the aggravation, because whoever is behind the wheel controls the entire show, to include the radio, which can result in all kinds of annoyances, because I’m a child of the 60s, and I love hard rock and roll like Led Zeppelin. And, so, when a Zeppelin song comes on I turn up the volume until the windshield cracks.
Conversely, this one woman in my carpool - who judging by her healthy glow of her gray wrinkled skin was born right around the time the dinosaurs went extinct, give or take a minute - when she gets behind the wheel she believes that a harp solo constitutes hard rock and roll. And it’s very aggravating to have to sit there and listen to some weenie plucking a harp as if it were an actual musical instrument while Dinosaur Lady be-bops her head back and forth to the tune.
Bad music is bad enough, but potholes are a pet peeve of mine. I hate potholes. I will do whatever it takes to avoid potholes, to include swerving into the side of buildings. But another member of my carpool, affectingly known as “jerkface,” MUST hit EVERY pothole with all four wheels. And if you closed your eyes you’d swear he took a left turn and landed on the moon. It would be a much smoother commute if I were sitting on a pole-vaulting platypus.
Temperature settings can be an issue, too. I like it cold when I drive to the point that Eskimos start coming out of the air vents. But another member in the carpool likes it warm, even in the middle of summer. And they turn up the heat until you can BBQ a rack of ribs in the glove compartment.
HOWEVER, the worst case carpooling commuting circumstances imaginable is when you find yourself in a carpool with a “talker,” especially if you ARE NOT a “talker” like me. And here are three examples of what “talkers” love to talk to you about: 1) they tell you about their recent eyeball surgery; 2) they think they are so (nasty word) smart, they swear your IQ will go up 30 points just by breathing the same air they do, and 3) they laugh while the talk and you CAN’T understand a word they are saying.
That’s it for this week. Join me again next time where I will tell you how to dress like a real live terrorist, complete with a diaper on your head and everything. Oh, and you’ll have to change your name to “Mohammad.”
