Back in the day when I went to middle-school dances, absolutely NOBODY danced; there was no dancing, and EVERYBODY stood around staring at their feet and looking extra stupid. And if ANY boy dared to attempt to get near ANY girl, their bodies would act like the opposite sides of magnets and the invisible boy-girl force fields which would be generated would repel both of them back to opposite sides of the gymnasium. Let me tell you, back then, funerals had more dancing than our middle-school dances.
But today things are different. Today, middle-school dances look more like wrestling matches than actual dances, with boys and girls clutching at each other and holding each other in death grips, sticking so tightly together you’d swear their clothing was made out of flypaper. And these kids nowadays are NOT happy, and do not consider holding each other and hugging successful until someone fractures a rib. And if all the snap, crackling, and popping going on, you were to stand on the sidelines, shut your eyes, and listen, you’d swear was stepped directly into the middle of a gigantic bowl of Rice Crispies.
EXAMPLE:
SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!
“Michelle, I think you just fractured my rib.”
“Really, Mike! That’s great, now try and fracture mine.”
“Okay.”
SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!
“Oh, yes, you fractured my rib, too.”
“Great, now let’s crawl over to my mother and see if she will rush us to the emergency room.”
Now, if you are a parent who wants to do their civil duty and chaperone at these dances, keep in mind you cannot JUST jump right in there, that is, if you are a common off-the-street layperson type of parent; heavens no, there are prerequisites to chaperoning and separating these hugging-people, which basically means you must be a seasoned professional football referee, complete with the white and black striped shirt, penalty flags, and a whistle. And when you see these kids engaged in hugging, you must get in there, baby, and break these people up.
EXAMPLE:
The sound of a whistle loudly blowing
“Okay, Sean and Lisa break it up, break it up. That’s a fifteen yard penalty.”
“For what?”
“Illegal hugging. Okay, it’s 4th and down with 3 minutes left in the dance. Now, get back on the line of scrimmage, and remember, I’m watching both of you.”
Because I’m not just your local professional newspaper humor columnist, I’m also your mentor (stop laughing). So I want to place a warning to you parents out there who are unaware of this middle-school hugging danger, and you know who you are. When a middle-school child comes home from a middle-school dance:
DO NOT LET THEM HUG YOU, BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN VIOLENTLY HUGGING EACH OTHER ALL NIGHT LONG, AND ALL THAT FEVERISH HUGGING HAS RESULTED IN VICE-LIKE HUGGING GRIPS NORMALLY ONLY FOUND IN OVERSIZED SPECIMENS OF BOA CONSTRICTORS!
So, say it is 9:30 p.m. on a Friday night, moments after the middle-school dance, and you are in the kitchen making a snack, when suddenly the door flies open, and in runs a hugged-up 12-year-old girl who has plans on hugging YOU. And if you are wise you will drop your sandwich and run for your life. DO NOT think, DO NOT reason, DO NOT hesitate, but trust me and RUN, because if you DO NOT trust me and if you DO NOT run, she will grab you and hug you, and you will then be transformed into a human tube of toothpaste. And while you are screaming in pain, and while your vital organs are being squished out of your mouth, nose and ears, and before your spine is snapped into kindling, you will be thinking the following final thoughts:
“YESTERDAY, MY DAUGHTER WAS A GENTLE FRECKLED-FACED KID PLAYING INNOCENTLY WITH HER NAKED BARBIE DOLLS. AND NOW TODAY, SHE’S A SUMO WRESTLER WEARING A TIARA AND HIGH HEELS.”
