May 13, 2008: Billy's Brain

May 12, 2008 02:09 pm

— Other than the fact that I can’t figure out anything on my own, my brain is perfectly calibrated. Case in point: my wife asked me to go to the grocery store. I respond by telling her that, “under no uncertain terms, will I depart this house WITHOUT first being handed a detailed list of items. And I mean ‘detailed’, sister. I’m talking right down to the make, model, amount, size, shape, and if there are any dairy products involved, I want the name of the cow.”
So I went to the grocery store with all good intentions, and with the list right out in the open, taped securely to my forehead. I walked up and down each and every aisle. I found and selected those items identified on the list. I brought the items home. I laid the items out on the counter. I mixed and matched the items, right in front of my wife, by cross-referencing them to the list. This all sounds pretty scientific, right? And you would think that by doing this in such a detailed oriented way it would keep me out of the doghouse. And you’d be wrong, because though I can follow simple directions (i.e. a list), I don’t have any common sense, and therefore I can’t think outside the boundaries of the list.
“Billy, I don’t see any toilet paper?”
“There is no mention of ‘toilet paper’ on this list. See?”
“So?”
“What do you mean, ‘so?’”
“Look, just because I did not write it down doesn’t mean you didn’t need to get it.”
“I told you I wanted a ‘detailed’ list encompassing everything you wanted. No toilet paper on the list, no toilet paper bought. It’s that simple.”
“Don’t you remember last night when you were stranded on the toilet, and not to get into too much detail here, but luckily you were able to reach the shower curtain, and the rest is history?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, didn’t that spark anything in that itty-bitty brain of yours to BUY toilet paper!”
“I don’t know nothing about no toilet paper UNLESS it is on this list.”
My brain is also very susceptible to outside negative influences like, for example, a stray bad song, by which I mean “Muskrat Love,” which will invade my head and then I can’t get it out. And so I walk around all day with this malicious melody bonded to my brain repeating itself over and over - ‘Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land’ - until I start searching through eBay for an affordable used guillotine.
My brain is also very vulnerable to bad thoughts, which do not normally start out as bad thoughts, they actually start out as good thoughts, but somehow they instantly morph to bad thoughts. Take last Saturday. I was sitting on the porch daydreaming good thoughts which quickly went to BAD thoughts.
“I have a great life.“
“Wonderful wife, two good kids.”
“Great career.”
“Plenty of stuff.”
“I hope a rattlesnake doesn’t slither up through the plumbing and bite me on my butt while I am sitting on the toilet, because if it does, and if I don’t get medical help immediately, in like three minutes, my butt will turn black and fall off.”
See what I’m saying? One minute everything is good: good life, family is good, good stuff, everything is good, and then suddenly - BADDA BOOM - poisonous snakes in the toilet.
Oh, I almost forgot, it’s a minor point, but I thought it worth mentioning: I have a being in my brain, best described here as a “chattering cheerleader,” who’s equipped with a bullhorn and pompoms, and who leads the rest of my brain in producing CONSTANT chatter. I hate him.
“Okay everyone, listen up back there, and yes you, medulla oblongata. Let’s chatter it up so Bill can’t get any sleep tonight. He’s already on edge, and this will drive in over the side. Ready? Now, give me a ‘C,’ give me a ‘H’, give me a ‘A,’ give me a ‘T,’ give me another ‘T,’ give me an ‘E,’ and give me an ‘R!” And what does it spell? CHATTER! Very good (clap) Very good (clap) However; the left hemisphere was a little weak with the “E” and the “R.” The right hemisphere, you guys were great. And, medulla oblongata, yes you, I’m watching you. Don’t toy with me. Okay, everyone, now let’s take it from the top, and chatter, chatter, chatter like we mean it. All together now, give me a ‘C’…”
Okay, so anyway, join me again next time where we will discuss the proper way to assemble and operate a guillotine.