May 6, 2008: Join Us For Another Rendition of Mr. Marriage Councilor
By Bil Drury
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for another rendition of “Ask Mr. Marriage Councilor.” But before we get started, I’m sensing that you are asking yourself the following: “Just were does Drury get off giving out marriage information? Who does he think he is? And what qualifications does he have to be telling people how to have a good marriage?”
These are all very good questions asked by very good people who don’t have any brains in their heads, and you know who you are, because if I have been put on this earth to do anything, it is to teach people how to have good marriages. And my qualifications for being able to tell people how to have good marriages is made evidenced by the fact that my wife and I have been married 20 years (May 8th ) and she hasn’t killed me yet. Yes, sure, there have been the occasional attempts on my life by way of flying frying pans, and I have it from a good source that she is currently plotting my death, but she hasn’t hatched her plan yet. And if you have even read so much as one syllable of any of my columns, then you understand that she has every right to kill me, in a very painful way, and there isn’t a court in this land or any other that would find her guilty.
So anyway, I’m going to give you four examples of questions/situations which will occur at one time or another during YOUR marriages. After each example, there will be a series of three answers, and you will select one answer, followed by me giving you the right answer, and you can compare your answer to the right answer. This will give you a good idea as to the health of your marriage, and how long you have before your wife comes at you with something pointy.
Question/Situation 1: “Does this dress make my butt look big?’
Answers:
A: “Not if you are standing next to an inflated hot air balloon.”
B: “Only from the front, back, and sides.”
C: “No, you are just big boned.”
If you chose answers A or B, I highly advise you to sleep with one eye open. But if you wisely chose answer C, then you have a slim chance of surviving the night.
Question/Situation 2: If your wife is badmouthing her mother should you:
Answers:
A: “Open up you big mouth and add to the badmouthing which will make your wife turn on you like a viper, because that’s her mom, not yours, and it is okay for her to badmouth her mom, BUT you cannot badmouth her mom, because she is not your mom, you insensitive clod. Oh, and you mother isn’t some saint, either.”
B: “Vigorously nod your head in agreement, which will make your wife turn on you like a viper, because that’s her mom, not yours, and it is okay for her to badmouth her mom, BUT you cannot badmouth her mom, because she is not your mom, you insensitive clod. Oh, and you mother isn’t some saint, either.”
C: “Sit there, looks straight ahead, listen, be absolutely quiet, and don’t move a muscle, to include not breathing.”
If you chose answers A or B, I highly advise you to sleep with both eyes open. But if you wisely chose answer C, then you have a slim chance for being able to breath without the help of tubes and medical machines.
Question/Situation 3: “Is my cooking as good as your mother’s?”
Answers:
A: Yes, as long as my nose and taste buds were first surgically removed.
B: Yes, selecting just the right microwave meals is very difficult.
C: Yes, guessing as to whether or not tonight’s dinner will be burnt or raw makes suppertime an adventure.
If you chose answers A or B, then I strongly suggest that you sleep in a different time zone. But if you chose answer C, then you have a slim chance for walking without the help of a wheelchair.
Question/Situation 4: If your wife informs you that “she is going out to buy three hundred more pairs of shoes in the exact same style but in slightly different hues,” you will respond by saying:
Answers:
A: What are you some sort of psychotic centipede?
B: You already have one pair of shoes for every possible situation, to include moon-walking.
C: Okay, honey, we’ll go broke, but we can take all the discarded shoe boxes, glue them together, and we can live happily ever after under a bridge.
If you chose answers A or B, you are probably currently dead. But if you chose answer C, then you have a slim chance for keeping your internal organs inside your body cavity where they belong.
Anyway, that’s enough marital Q & A for one column. Join me again next time when we will discuss much more light and fluffy questions like, say, oh I don’t know, how about: “why is it that Barack Obama is ALWAYS ready to tell everyone that he is black, but NEVER ready to tell everyone that his mother and grandparents are whiter than bleached cotton balls caught in a snowstorm?”
