March 18, 2008: Oh, Bother

By Bill Drury

March 17, 2008 12:40 pm

— I’m one of those people who are classified as "ever so slightly neurotic," which is a euphemistic statement meaning "big giant major pain in the butt," as evidenced by the fact that I notice and hear everything, and everything I notice and hear bothers me, to include when all the blades of grass in the front yard are not perfectly lined up at a 65.432 degree angle with respect to the axis of the earth.

Sometimes, being neurotic can get me in hot water with the wife, like, for example, take the time I woke her up in the middle of the night because I was hearing water evaporating from a puddle found in the driveway, and it was bothering me. So I figured if it was bothering me, it must be bothering my sound asleep wife. So I woke up my sound asleep wife to see if what was bothering me was also bothering her; however, I found out that what was bothering me was NOT bothering her, BUT what was bothering her was me waking her up to see if what was bothering me was also bothering her bothered her. Luckily, with a little light tugging, the paramedics were able to remove her pillow from my posterior.

My neurotic behavior is not limited to my home life. About a month ago, I attended a mandatory Suicide Prevention Class. The second I entered the auditorium, I was overcome with the loud ticking of someone’s wristwatch. And if that wasn’t bad enough, right after I sat down, along came "Mr. Cough-Hack-Sniff-And-Blow-Nose" who plopped himself down in the seat right in front of me.

ALL this guy did was to cough, hack, sniffle, and blow his nose. And after roughly 43 seconds filled with coughing, hacking, sniffling, and nose blowing, I did the only neurotic thing I could think of: I started timing his coughs. However, now, not only was I being bothered by his coughing, hacking, sniffling, and nose blowing, I now was being bothered by the anticipation of his oncoming bought with coughing, hacking, sniffling, and nose blowing. And he would begin every 15 seconds with a five second rest in-between. NOT every 14 seconds. NOT every 16 seconds. BUT every 15 seconds! So I sat there and count him down: "13, 14, 15," then I’d point at him, and he’d COUGH, HACK, SNIFFLE, AND BLOW HIS NOSE!"

Anyway, what really bothered me was that evidently no one else was being bothered by what was bothering me. I even nudged the guy next to me who had fallen into a deep R.E.M sleep one second after the speaker uttered his first syllable to see if he was bothered by what was bothering me. He was not bothered by what was bothering me, BUT he was being bothered by me waking him to see if what was bothering me was also bothering him.

In hindsight, I am glad I went to that Suicide Prevention Class, because if I had not gone and if I had not learned how to cope with and prevent suicide, the below scenario might have played out:

SCENARIO

"Mr. Suicide Prevention Teacher?"

"Yes?"

"Dial 911."

"Why?"

"Bill Drury just committed hari-kari with his three-ring binder. Seems the guy in front of him coughed, hacked, sniffled, and blew his nose 9 zillion and seven times, and poor neurotic Bill could only handle hearing him cough, hack, sniffle, and blow his nose 9 zillion and six times. But don’t worry; the rest of us were not bothered by the coughing. BUT we were bothered by Bill bothering us to see if we were being bothered by what was bothering him. But since we were not bothered by the guy who was coughing up a lung but we were bothered by Bill waking us up to see if it was bothering us, and now that Bill is dead, we are no longer being bothered, everyone is a winner."

Okay, well, I have to go. I just noticed that an acorn has fallen in the front yard and has bent two blades of grass out of alignment. Instead of being at a 65.432 degree angle with respect to the axis of the earth, they are now sitting at a 65.431 degree angle with respect to the axis of the earth. And if I don’t immediately leap out from behind my computer and straighten them I will think about it all day long, won’t be able to sleep tonight, and will more than likely wake my wife up in the wee morning hours to see if she is being bothered by what is bothering me. But before I wake her, I will hide her pillow.