In a past life I must have been some horrible devilish monster like The Creature From The Black Lagoon, or Dracula, or Godzilla, or Hillary Clinton, because now, as eternal punishment, I am constantly plagued by annoying people who following me around; day or night, night or day, if I am there, they are there, I swear they are EVERYWHERE!
EXAMPLES
1. In public restrooms, they stand at the urinal RIGHT next to me, even though ALL the other urinals are currently vacant, and they initiate detailed quantum physics conversations with me when I am JUST trying to pee and get the (nasty word) out of there.
2. In the library, they sit DIRECTLY across from me, even though All the other table are currently vacant, and they feel the need to repeatedly and violently blow their nose in a manner normally associated with that of a moose looking for a mate, all done while I am JUST trying to concentrate and read.
3. In restaurants, they pull up a chair at the table STRAIGHT beside me, even though ALL the other tables are currently vacant, and they lean over into my dish and ask me questions about my entrée, because they might like to possibly order it too, even though there are approximately 5,789,009 OTHER items on the menu of which they could possibly order.
4. In church, they plop down in the SAME back pew as me, even though ALL the other pews are currently vacant, they must demonstrate what a "church-going holier-than-thou goodie-two-shoes weenie" they are by doing EVERYTHING in church better, faster, and more annoying than EVERYBODY else like, for example, they pray LOUDER than EVERYONE else; they kneel FASTER than EVERYONE else; they STAND UP faster than EVERYONE else; the do the sign of the cross faster than EVERYONE else; they run up to receive communion before EVERYONE else; they put money into the basket before EVERYONE else even if it means they must fold their money into tight wads and kick it over the crucifix, and they must sing LOUDER than EVERYONE else even though their singing has been know to prompt alley cats to throw old shoes at them.
5. Even at the stinking zoo at the hippo enclosure, some lady squishes up behind me, even though ALL the other enclosures (roughly seven billion) containing exotic animals of which she could look at, and starts mouthing off and whining about the poor hippos being in a pen, and that they should be free to roam the plains of Africa. While I’m thinking to myself, "gee, no lions are chasing them; someone washes them everyday; someone cleans up their poop every day, and someone feeds them three square meals a day. My life should be so good." And then I glanced over to her and realized why she was so annoyed; it was because she was larger than the hippos with a slightly bigger mouth. Now, I know what you are thinking; you’re thinking, "Bill, the problem with poking fun at an animal lover is that if you upset them, they will come at you, a human, with an axe."
But I’m not afraid of them, nope, especially now that I have found a great new hiding spot. So if you need me I will be under my bed. Oops! Did I say "under my bed?" I meant, in my attic, or actually, in my basement. Yeah, in my basement, but I never said under my bed.
