Carriage Towne News
---- — Watch Out for Woodchucks!
With all of the discussion about the frog internment camps with their forced labor and the unknown dangers of 13 year old serial offenders escaping from our unguarded local penal colonies, I’ve decided that it is time to have a frank and open discussion about the biggest scandal to hit Hampstead since the inhumane Shop Pond fishing massacre. I am of course talking about the death and mayhem of our woodchuck friends at the hands of lunatic Hampstead (and Sandown) drivers. Whenever a dog or a deer or a moose is struck by a car, the driver always stops to seek to render aid. Emergency responders are called. Each and every woodchuck incident is a classic “hit and run”! No emergency response teams, no measuring of skid marks (there are none), no canvassing of neighbors for witnesses, not even a CMS (Chucky Medical Services) Ambulance to provide transportation to emergency services. Instead, the Highway department and a snow shovel escort the deceased to their final! resting place, appropriately named the breakdown lane.
As these poor un-missed keepers of our gardens degrade into their natural state, they are preyed upon by crows who eat their bacteria infested corpses. This of course results in “crow upchuck” as our black winged friends fly over our swimming pools and windshields.
Is their nowhere in this entire town where these great bean eaters can be put to rest with dignity and honor? How about the social costs of this uncontrolled mayhem. Parentless, these families must now be relocated to the depot fields where they can feast on the outfield as long as they have an EBT card and green food stamps. Their psychological needs must be met by attending therapy sessions at the new “Land Beaver” wing at Hampstead Hospital. However the security required to keep these inmates from escaping, and eating the lawn at Peoples’ Bank, could be a great burden to our taxpayers. Fortunately, there are federal grants available through the “CAPT” (Chucks Are People Too) program that will help to defer these costs.
The only real answer to these atrocities is to install WCHET’s (Woodchuck Cross Highway Ecological Tunnels) at strategic locations. These would be well marked with highway signs reading “Woodchuck Crossing” with an attractive woodchuck picture. We have similar signs for deer and moose and I’m sure that a Woodchuck can read much better than a dumb moose. It would also be nice to place red cross signs at these locations for emergency frog care and triage. Cameras should also be installed at these locations to capture those heartless heathens who actually swerve to hit the innocent chucks.
On a final note, there are some who still call Woodchucks, “Groundhogs”. They are not pigs that live in the dirt and this derisive slur is offensive to them. Groundhogs are their British cousins who can easily be differentiated by their yellowing and crooked teeth. Please be politically sensitive in your reference to these amazing creatures. Remember, without them you probably would never be able to break your ankle as you run across your lawn.